TalbotsLaw

The Power of the Pen...

2011-03-22T19:30:00.002Z

Brockencote Hall

O.K. I'm back, recovered, soothed and raring to go after the surgery to remove the saddle from my posterior, following the epic journey from Bangkok to Phuket. Word must have spread as I have been asked to do two brief talks on the event at a couple of networking events. Brief? How can I show my 1,173 holiday snaps in a 10 minute presentation?

Chris Westwood, Gary Newbon, and Martyn Morgan

Recently I attended the Hyatt Hotel in Birmingham for a sporting lunch hosted by Butcher Woods Insolvency Practitioners. Steve Davies , the snooker legend, was the guest speaker. I was a little apprehensive about this having seen him several times on TV in years gone by, but I must admit, he was brilliant. He played on the public's perception of him having a boring persona, and presented a very hilarious and dry image of himself. An excellent and entertaining after dinner speaker. On a similar note we hosted the Chris Westwood Charity annual sporting lunch at Brockencote. Gary Newbon was our guest speaker and he too was most entertaining and reminded us of his legendary interviews with the late and dear Brian Clough. The event raised over £7,000 for the charity and was a great success. Numbers were slightly down on the previous year's event, but he funds raised were a 10% increase which was down mainly to the generosity of the event.

Some days later, we carried out our own survey of those attending to see if they felt they had received value for money, as that is a critical part of any fund raising event. The response has been brilliant and justifies our running of it. The hard work put in by all will result in several local children being assisted to make their lives slightly better than now

Now this brings me on to our title….The Power of the Pen. While I was away on my epic journey, and remind me to tell you more about that one day, I understand that Brockencote received a scathing review by a Daily Telegraph alleged food critic. For me, Brockencote is one of the best restaurants around, not only for the quality of its food but also for the service provided. I accept that the décor may not be to everyone's taste, but personally I prefer the taste of, say, foie gras, to draped curtains. Now with the stroke of a pen, this alleged food critic, who must be a southerner and believes that everyone north of Watford Gap feasts on K F C and bacon butties….well, actually…no, let's no go there. Anyway, with the stroke of a pen, he may have damaged the reputation of a fine establishment far and wide, and we all know how hard it is to build up a reputation over a period of time, only to lose it because one person who has the potential eye of the reader may have had a less than rewarding experience on his one and only visit. Well, I have some ideas where he might place that pen

Action from Cheltenham Races

I am delighted to say that our survey revealed that over 90% of those completing the survey felt that the venue, the service and the quality of the food were at least very good and in some cases excellent. Not a single person thought that any of the categories warranted a satisfactory, let alone a poor. So, Mr Food Critic, please retire to your jellied eels and flat beers of the south and let the rest of the country enjoy fine dining at its best

By the way, I do work as well !

P.S. Actually I went to Cheltenham Races with a group of mates for Irish day and had a wonderful time. Not really being into the Racing Post nor studying form, I was delighted to come away with the grand total of £71 in winnings……….even though it cost me £120 in bets placed

From Bangkok To Phuket - Thanks...

2011-02-15T17:58:00.000Z

Sorry, me again. I feel I must pay tribute to some people who have assisted me

Firstly, my thanks to Callum Haynes my Agent, Social Media Manager, Client Relations Manager and Office Stud No 2 (Guess who is No 1). He has had the patience to upload and manage this Blog while continuing to strut his stuff about the office and I remain eternally grateful as I appreciate that much was done in his own time. If there are any spelling or grammatical errors, they are HIS!

To Martin Brot, his wife, the wonderful Rosita, Cheng the Driver, and, of course, the delectable Lewdy Rudi, and all at Siam Bike Tours, thank you so much for making this a trip of a life time, one that may, just may, push the New York Marathon into No. 2 slot and the memories will stay with me for the rest of my life. Your organisation and commitment was second to none and the patience you showed in trying to convert me into a true cyclists commendable. Thank you so much

To my fellow cyclists, and yes that includes Yak Yak too, a private joke,thank you for making me feel so welcome, for showing the patience in training me to your standards, and for being such wonderful company In particular the English speaking contingent of Dutch Martin, the Vikings from Norway, Roy and Roger, ex rock star John "PJ" from Canada with his partner Marni "Mickey Mouse" and Derek the Swede, a true athlete, and one I related too most, capable of being a great friend, if he we not so pig headed. I hope you are reading this now, as I have just about forgiven you for failing to turn up for dinner on the last night. GIT!!

But the real hero of this story is my wife, Mary. She lost her father, Alf during the second stage of this ten day trip after he had battled against a long illness. We had previously discussed the possibility, and whether I should cancel in advance or fly back early to offer whatever support I could. Mary would have none of it and said that is what her father would have wanted. Mary has had to grieve alone, without support, and take on the mantle of making arrangements and supporting other members of the family in her usual selfless and assured style. Mary, I salute you sweetheart, and dedicate this Incredible Journey to a wonderful person, not Alf Tupper, but Alf Kyte...

X X

From Bangkok to Phuket Part 8 - Stage 8, The Final Countdown!

2011-02-15T17:47:00.000Z

The hotel at Khao Lak was magnificent, and after a full breakfast, naturally for re-fuelling, on the beach, we were ready for the final 114 kilometres of our 850k Incredible Journey that started several days ago and was due to conclude in Phuket

I felt that the journey had taken us from the hustle bustle and excitement of Bangkok through the hinterland of Thailand, the real Thailand, before concluding at the Tourist resort of Phuket, but what a Tourist Resort

Many of my competitors, sorry companions, were taking this rather more seriously than me, and were measuring the amount of calories expended per day, average times and body fat content. Me? I know that I had sweat buckets and thought that I was guaranteed at least a minimum weight loss of two stones and would end the trip with a stomach like an old fashioned wash board or a six pack, but sadly the only pack was the six pack of Singha beers consumed on a regular basis, and I could still just about make out my big toe if I looked directly down, although sometimes I could see the nail on my second toe, if I cheated and leaned forward a little!

Martin gathered his troops at 8am sharp for the final push, the final de-briefing on this Incredible Journey. We would take two breaks, each after 45k and then we would tackle the final 25k, the hardest part of the tour, climbing and climbing in temperatures exceeding 35 degrees. What a way to finish.

I calculated that I was lying a credible sixth at this stage. I did not have a watch and nobody else seemed in the slightest bit bothered, but I estimated that I was, give or take an hour or two, exactly 58.3472 seconds behind the leader but the Yellow Jersey just had to be mine

Alf Tupper didn't need gears to win a race!

At our first break, re- fuelled by copious amount of Coke Zero, Iced Coffee and water, and Lewdy Rudi's banana, I asked Martin to check my gears again as they appeared to be slipping when changing between 2 and 3. He raised his eyebrows and looked to the skies. On a previous occasion the Englander Steam Hammer in football boots, as I had become to be known, had complained about gears slipping. Martin, an expert bike mechanic, as well as a supreme athlete, had attempted to adjust my gears on one of our beach side drinks stops. In front of the entire Team, he removed my rear wheel and sprockets, washers, nuts and any thing else went flying in every direction as Martin bellowed " Too much Power " to the Steam Hammer, and I nervously asked one of my colleagues how one changes gear. The expression " Steam Hammer had derived from my lack of technique, style, class as a cyclist, but just keeping up with the elite through blood, sweat, tears and guts a la my hero Alf Tupper.

Expertly he tightened something or other. A kind colleague also pointed out a bulge in my tyre. I apologised after flattening him as I thought he was being personal about my waist-line, and within seconds Martin had fitted a new tyre.

We were now down to the last 70k as our snake of yellow, orange and black wove it's way through the countryside. Nerves were now firmly inset, as the only sound hissing from the snake was that of the swishing of the cyclists tyre on Tarmac, the synchronised clicking of the change of gear, and the odd "ouch" as the Steam Hammer found yet another pot hole. We were a Team. No longer was I the tail of the rattle snake, waving from side to side, but moving effortlessly with this bunch of professionals. I was one of them, at long last, well almost.

Sarasin Bridge View

We crossed Sarasin Bridge, leaving the mainland of Thailand behind, before entering the island of Phuket, the Tourists paradise. It was like crossing the suspension bridge over the Menai Straits entering Anglesey, but a thousand times better...and not a welshman in sight.

We were entering our final stages and I was making little headway on the distance between myself and the leading pack. In essence, the tyre change at the drinks break had slowed me down, until such time as I had worn in the new rubber, but grit and determination kept me in with the race, sorry, holiday.

Then.......dan, dan, dan..........DISASTER !!!!

I hit a pothole, again, as they seemed to be particularly partial to me and my privates. I found myself (now, habitual readers of this column, if there are such people apart from myself, will be aware that I keep getting lost) flying through the air like that little Ginger nut in The Snowman or the guy with the Speedos in Superman I land in a heap, separated from my bike for the first time in 10 days. I feel excruciating pain in my ankle and look down to see a piece of bone jutting out from beneath my football socks and shin pads. The rest of the group are compassionate and supportive, as they leave me in their wake with a synchronised one figure salute to the Englanderr Steam Hammer with Football Boots.My dream is over

Then... Wait for it... Who should come to my rescue in the support vehicle with Cheng the Driver but...Lewdy Rudi, my hero. Not only is he a superb guide who pandered to our every whim, a David Bailey trained photographer, a Cordon Bleu cook, a magnificent peeler of oranges, but, it transpires, he is also an orthopaedic surgeon! Expertly, he puts my right leg into a splint. I explain that it is my left ankle that is broken. He has a strop, purses his lips, curses me several times and retires to the rear of the van before appearing to put my left leg in a plaster cast. I plead with him to stop when her reaches my knee, and he throws another tantrum.

The tail enders of my group are now out of sight and my dreams fading rapidly as I mount my badly damaged bike, peddling one legged with the left leg resting on the handle bars

I peddle for my life and finally see the familiar Team Colours of the rear end of the Snake. We reach Patong Beach, the major tourist resort in Phuket. Now let me say this. Throughout our Incredible Journey, we have been urged on by passers-by, school children, road side workers, people at bus tops, all apparently used to this Tour passing through their villages and giving such vocal and encouraging support. Martin has the ability to marshall his troops and command the respect of the traffic merely by a steely look or a growl or, on one occasion, a bark, and that was a tourist oblivious to the respect afforded to Siam Bike Riders. But Patong was something else. It seemed the whole traffic was brought to a standstill by the Snake, allowed to pass through this normally busy thoroughfare totally unhindered. There were people lining both parts of the street clapping in encouragement, and cheers erupted after each corner we took. There was even a policeman who saluted us. The whole episode was both surreal and emotional!

Anyway, back to the race as it is now reaching its crescendo and I guess you are all gagging to know who wins. Bet you can't guess!

On the home straight!

We have reached the last 25k of The Incredible Journey, and it is all down to this. Several hills of unspeakable dimensions and my competitors from Scandinavia, Switzerland and Austria clearly hold the advantage as their training regime over the last 5 or 6 years through the Alps etc clearly holds an advantage over my 8k ride around Kinver Edge

I am on the tail of the leading pack of 6, but am making no headway given my singular cycling action and the added burden of the weight of Lewdy Rudi's cast. To the tune of The Eye Of The Tiger and Chariots of Fire I tear at the plaster cast with my bare teeth, until it falls, discarded on the road side, comfortable in the knowledge that if any police car were to give chase to arrest me for littering he countryside (see volume 15, chapter 9, para 3) the only donation to their coffers that they would receive from me would be the smell of burning rubber from my tyres.

The first hill was a gradient of one in one, it seemed, and lasted a whole kilometre. With both legs pumping the steam, I caught the pack, as you may have guessed, and left an Austrian and Dane behind, cooking bacon. By the time we reached the second hill, a 1.5 k rise with a sneaky 250 metres at the end, just as you thought you had reached the summit, it was a three horse race between team Leader Martin, well he has done this before and it is his tour, an ex Olympic Gold Champion, some guy from America caked Lance Armstrong and little ol me, the Steam Hammer. Did I say three horse race. Where's that calculator.

The second hill was a killer, and I had urged all the competitors to seek advice from our Trust and Estates Department regarding making a will as we offer a very complete , efficient and slick service (there we go, Cal, got that plug in at long last). The ex Olympic Gold Champion went off to practice his crocheting and Armstrong disappeared to Lance his boil. That left our hero, Martin, and the real hero, Martyn, neck and neck as they entered the final kilometre of the Incredible Journey from Bangkok to Phuket, 849k eaten up, one to go. I dug deep, into my final reserves, but the Steam Hammer was running out of steam. Slowly, I managed to inch ahead and with the winning line in sight, I was ahead by a nose, which, with my nose, is a very long way.

My dilemma! Do I make a statement, like Tom Courtenay in the film " The Loneliness Of the Long Distance Runner", and stop one inch before the finishing line, allowing all of the remaining competitors to pass me in a patronising and superior manner?

The heck I do!

I took the tape to a tumultuous uproar .......from one guy who was passing the shop of Siam Bike Tours with shopping which I almost knocked out of his hand as I wobbled up to the shop.

I did it. The prize was mine!!

There was much hugging and kissing, to Lewdy Rudi's delight, as all competitors gathered at the end over a beer or two, back slapping, exchanging of addresses, so that I could return the saddle kindly loaned to me by Martin once I had returned home and had it surgically removed from my posterior. And then that was it. We all went our separate ways, after our Incredible Journey, with most wonderful memories, but , possibly, never to pass the same cycle paths again. True friends joined together with one goal and one passion.

La Gon Knuckleheads ( Thai for Farewell, my Friends)

I have had an Incredible Journey, and, like the blessed New York Marathon of 1999 (have I mentioned that before.) it is very personal. There may have been a small amount of journalistic and legal licence in the script, but I hope you have enjoyed this tongue in version view. If you ever have the desire and opportunity, JFDI!

From Bangkok to Phuket Part 7 - Stage 5, 6, and 7, In The Home Straight!

2011-02-15T10:28:00.000Z

Steamed Dim Sum

After the rest Day at Chumphon, and having completed almost half of the journey , we prepared ourselves for the final 4 days. This took us further south on the longest trek of the Tour covering 140 kilometres in temperatures reaching as high as 37 degrees. The highlights of the day were a stop in a small sleepy village which looked more like a town out of a Wild West movie, and the only item on sale at any number of shacks lining the route on both sides were steamed dim sum. These were fluffy marshmallow steamed buns filled with minced pork, fish paste or bean curd and were a delight In fact, so tempting and soft and luscious were they, that I was sorely tempted to grab a few and line my shorts with them to protect a certain part of my anatomy

Beats "The Cut"

After lunch and eating up more asphalt, we stopped at a waterfall for a welcome dip and cool off before a monumental climb up a hill resembling Everest, at least to me, and coasting down to our overnight stay in Ranong. Shattered and exhausted, but hardly surprising as we had now crossed from West to East coast of Thailand.

A couple of amusing anecdotes from Ranong. There was a taxi that actually had a Notice in English " No farting in this car, please" What a reputation we must have as the was no similar notice in Thai. Also, at the night club, adjacent to the hotel, there was a sign forbidding knives, automatic pistols and, get this, hand grenades. No mention of air to surface nuclear missiles, however.

I specifically asked for a room with a view!

The following day took us further south through the rain forest and jungle and the first road signs for Phuket, but another 127 kilometres and extreme temperatures. It was worth it as our overnight stop was in a splendid hotel on the top of a hill in the jungle, overlooking the lake and with individual guest bungalows dotted around the grounds. Two of the riders had spotted snakes, one said to be a 5 meter long black cobra, so I spent most of the evening stuffing my dirty washing in every nook and cranny of my room, and balancing the TV, the heaviest object I could find, on top of the closed lid of the toilet to prevent any unwanted visitors entering my abode. When I did venture out for dinner, Usain Bolt would have been proud of the speed in which I covered the distance between room and restaurant. The journey back to the room in the evening was aided by sharing a bottle of Jagermeister smuggled in by my mate, Swedish Derek. Strange to be drinking something associated with ski resorts in the jungles of Thailand.

While on the subject of alcohol, I have survived on the national Thai beer called Singha throughout my stay. Now Singha, like many foreign brews, is tasteless, high in alcohol content, but refreshing, so I made the most of it as not many barmen had heard of Bathams or Enville Ale when I asked for it over here. I guess good beer is renowned for not travelling too well.

The penultimate day was a breeze, a mere 74 kilometres, with a stop at a wonderful bakery for cake and iced coffee, before arriving at our resort hotel on the beach in Khao Lak. This epitomised one of the many attributes of the Tour, namely the quality of the hotels. We were able to relax by the pool after a gruelling three days in preparation for the last stage, to our destination, Phuket. This was said to be the toughest stage, finishing the last stages of the 120 kilometres with three or four hills, or are they mountains. Great! Can't wait

Can anyone smell feet?

I prepared myself, like any top athlete, by visiting a fish spa, where, for twenty minutes, sipping an iced americano coffee, I sat with my feet in a pool, allowing hundreds of tiny fish to nibble away at the dead skin on my feet, ankles and legs. This was said to be extremely healthy but my view was that it would reduce the weight that I would have to carry over this mountains the following day. I have to say I did have to overcome the tickling sensation initially, and wondered what fun it would be to invite my fellow competitors to the fish spa and then surreptitiously throw in a couple of piranhas.

From Bangkok to Phuket Part 6 - Stage 4, Party Night!!

2011-02-14T12:30:00.000Z

We continued our journey south from Bangkok down the east coast and the Gulf of Thailand. Once again, stunning scenery, perfectly timed breaks and great exercise to boot. We tend to ride in pairs, moving up and down the line, giving us further opportunities to make acquaintances as we pedal, although , by now, most of us knew who each were, what they did last year in kilometres for training and their inside leg measurement... And the Mad Englishman who had gained the reputation/ nickname of Steam Hammer, as I continued to push myself along to keep up with the speed merchants, notwithstanding the lack of cleats, proper cycling clothing, no training and, yes I have to say, a very sore rear end.

Professional cyclists such as my fellow contestants, sorry, mates, acquire a certain toughness in their nether regions simply by putting in the kilometres in the saddle. Novices, like me, soon realise the benefits of a training regime prior to such an epic journey, but do we do anything about it? Certainly not. My embarrassment was apparent at the end of the second day, when after a long day in the saddle (sounds like John Wayne) many of us ended up by the pool. I was gagging to jump in, bum first, to cool the pain emitting from down below, but the embarrassment of a plume of steam engulfing everyone in the vicinity prevented me from doing so.

Whack-a-day reaches Thialand.

Let me try to explain the pain so that you too can experience it. Imagine standing on your head with your legs splayed apart, and here, I have to digress once again. Claire Bourne and I often have a competition each Christmas, as we both have this uncanny ability to stand on our heads for a period of time. The competition has lost some of it's edge recently, as we tend to do it BEFORE and not after Roast Turkey dinner with chipolatas and all the trimmings for obvious reasons. also, Claire has got wise to the real reason of the competition and now arrives in trousers and not a skirt, just in case she is challenged again. Anyway, focus on that position, and then imagine that horrible demented lady from Misery standing over you with a wooden mallet and systematically bringing the mallet down with all her force on that spot just between your Thingy and your Thingy. Not pleasant is it. Give me a bath in refrigerated Bird's Eye custard any day.

The Hustler

We arrived at our destination spot on 3pm and fell into the same regime of shower, pool, beer , snooze, and dinner with my new found friends, always sitting next to different people, and trading experiences, although I was conscious that my story of the New York Marathon was wearing a bit thin. Dinner was not at the hotel but in a local restaurant along the road... With a Poolmtable. Now the food and ambience and service were great, but I was becoming increasingly aware that the was a World Cup of Pool being arranged. Martin, our Team Leader was organising and won his first two games but steadfastly refused to play the Englishman, clearly as he thought all English were experts at Pool and he may lose. Now Pool really is not my game and, often, I struggle to think what is. However, as competitive Martin, where have you heard that expression before, took a back seat, I was more than happy to take the undeserved plaudits that the Englishman's reputation bore. Then panic struck again, as I was thrust into a competion with Dutch Martin, yes, he with the cap, or at least Bandana. A really lovely guy who took early retirement some 4 years ago and is persuing his interest in cycling.he appears somewhat older than me and I hope , Martin, if ever you read this, I am not doing you a disservice, but he is as strong as an ox on his bike. He does have the misfortune of having the whitest body on the beach, and so I am more than happy to have my photo taken alongside him. Martin and I arrived at the table egged on by our multi- national friends. I admit I made up some of the rules as we went along, as most people thought that an Englishman knew all the rules about Pool, but the game was mine with 5 balls to spare, and did I celebrate? I was then thrust face to face with another mate, Roger from Norway, who, as you may recall had arrived with his brother, Roy and were great company. The Brothers Grimm or Hansel and Gretel, or was that a different country. Roger claimed that he had never played Pool before, a likely Morganesque excuse, which soon evaporated when he took me all the way to the black, which I potted to win the game to a huge uproar from all and sundry. At least I like to imagine so. There were no more takers and team leader Martin skilled off into the distance. England 2 Rest of the World 0

From Bangkok to Phuket Part 5 - Stage 3, Talbots New Branch Office

2011-02-11T17:36:00.001Z

Today's stage is less spectacular for the cycle ride, or maybe I am becoming blasé . It is a shorter journey in total, but certain incidents remain implanted in my mind.

Martin our Team Leader gives us a military-style briefing each morning, detailing our route, what we shall see, where we will break for drinks and lunch and when we can split into groups. However, he did not prepare us for the crossing of an air runway strip shortly after leaving Hadthong. Almost without warning we found ourselves in the middle of this vast plain (pardon the pun) of Tarmac, dodging a Jumbo jet here and a 747 there. How I wish I had taken a picture, but when you have an Airbus chasing your butt down the runway, you don't stop and say " Smile for the camera please"

Traffic Hazard

Not long after, our trip takes us onto the Highway, the M1 of Thailand . Imagine our shock and delight as we enter the busy slip road to join the Highway, when Rudi and his driver expertly manoeuvre the minibus and trailer across all three lanes, stopping traffic to allow our chain gang of 25 to enter the Highway without so much as a change of gear or squeeze on the brakes. Moreover, the traffic does not take out its frustration with the cyclists, but urges us on with waves of support.

Martin expertly manages his troops leading the way, managing the speed, his little legs pumping away effortlessly in metronome fashion. Sometimes, he drops down the line to check on individuals, leaving others to lead the way, but miraculously appearing out of nowhere to give directions when leaders are approaching a junction. Yes, the organisation and support is second to none.

There have been several punctures in the two days to date. Now I have this thing about punctures, one of the reasons why I have not been on my bike for nine months... because I have a flat tyre. Ever since I was a child when I attempted and failed miserably to repair my punctures with Sellotape or Elastoplast, I have been just useless with them. So you can imagine my respect when I witnessed Martin and his team repairing them with the same sort of speed that you see when a Formula One mechanics Team changes a set of tyres. And that is not all. There are gear and brake adjustments and I have even seen Martin replace an entire gear cable, during his lunch break

Iced Coffee

Now I have always considered myself to be a bit of a coffee aficionado always striving to find the perfect blend or brew, and have, therefore, turned up my nose at the offer of Iced Coffee. Well, sorry, but I am now hooked. I was introduced to it at our first break today and told how good it is for long distance cyclists. It is so refreshing, especially when we find ourselves (lost yet again) in temperatures exceeding 35 degrees. Bring it on!

This stage, a shorter one, concludes before lunch, but the hotel truly is a gem. We are all shown to our respective rooms, individual bungalows on the ocean front and comprising a lounge shower room and TWO bedrooms each containing TWO single beds. Pressure! Which bed do I sleep in?

There are 2 pools on site and a spa. Following my disappointments in Bangkok, I decide to seek to restore my faith and order a Thai massage in coconut oil. Clearly, my Thai was not quite perfected, as I arrived and started to undress with a tad too much enthusiasm. My masseuse indicated that there was no such need. I wondered how she was going to smother me in oils over my tee shirt and shorts. I soon realised that I was having the cheaper version, a " simple " Thai massage without oils at the staggering price of £5. My masseuse explained that she was called Po. I asked her to spell it and was amused with the reply P.O.R.N. ! She then proceeded to twist my body into impossible and unnatural shapes, chuckling each time she heard a creak or wince . She used her fingers, her hands, her elbows and even the soles of her feet which were as soft as her hands, but the best was when she laid me on my front, knelt on my buttocks, held both my hands behind me, and then attempted to pull me back so that the back of my head was touching the heels of my feet. I felt like a paperclip, and left the spa like a Chivers jelly, but relaxed, inspired and faith restored

Temple Prechuap

At 4 pm, those who wanted some culture were able to get a lift to the Kings Temple overlooking the beach, with a huge bronze Buddha standing guard. What a wonderful sight this proved to be as you will see from the photos and in the running for Talbots next branch office. Now this is where Rudi, or is it Lewdi, came into his own. Did I mention that Rudi is more gay than the gaiest Hussar, and in comparison, makes Graham Norton look like the next candidate to play James Bond. Anyway, bless his cotton socks, in addition to looking after every whim of the riders and in particular the 19 male riders dressed in Lycra, peeling 60 tangerines for the next break, buying fruit at the Market for the day's ride, ensuring that water bottles are filled at each break, he also acted as an expert guide, giving us all the facts and figures and history behind the temple. He is a star, even though I had to constantly remind him about my three wives and 5 children

Thai Tom Yam Soup

Another joint meal with all the team in the evening overlooking the sea. The highlight of this for me, apart from the Red Snapper fish was that I and Roy and Roger, two brothers from Norway each ordered the Tom Yam soup. This is a Thai speciality that can be made with meat or seafood, but in either case, there is an abundance of chill is and spices.All three of us struggled as our lips began to blister, and one by one, the Scandinavians began to waver. Roy ate one third and Rofer about half, but victory would not have been complete if I did not eat the full amount. I did it, trying desperately to conceal the tears rolling down my face, and there was not a great deal of conversation for the rest of the evening. Nonetheless, England 1 Rest of the World 0

From Bangkok to Phuket Part 4 - Stage 2, The race begins in earnest Third or is it fourth time lucky!!!

2011-02-10T16:06:00.000Z

Today we start the daily routine. My alarm is set for 6am, showered and ready for breakfast by 7am after several laps of the pool, a light 5 mile jog along the beach and a few stretches. Then I wake up from that nightmare and stuff myself with omelette, fruit, juice and coffee.

Our bikes are prepared for us, tyres pumped up to the maximum, water bottles already filled by Rudi and his team, and our shoes and helmets laid out in readiness. I cannot praise highly enough the organisation and preparation of this team.

There is a monkey in there... honestly!

The ride today is far more interesting and as the link describes, we do indeed pass through countryside that is far more picturesque, through the National Park and past shrimp farms , skirting the coast as we snake south through Thailand. Often we are exposed to the sun, and feel welcome relief when passing through coconut plantations, where the road is shaded by the tall trees. Our first stop is in the National Park for refreshment. The monkeys, running wild, try to steal some of the bags, and take an unhealthy interest in the red glow emitting from the seat of my pants, thinking that I may be one of their brethren.

My new best friend. Note the pink handle bars...
and the smoke off the rear wheel.

After our first stop, Martin creates panic in my mind. He says that we can split into 2 groups for the next stage, to allow the speed merchants on the trip to stretch their legs. He is relaxed about where we choose to go as we set off together. However, I, Macho Man, and budding Olympic Cycling Gold medallist, am in a quandary . Do I continue to feel my way with the majority at a comfortable 25 Kilometres per hour (note how I have changed to metric as this sounds much quicker) or do I push myself to keep up with the leaders averaging 30 to 35 kph. Man or mouse? Of course I go with the speed merchants. After all, I am here to win, as I keep reminding myself, though, strangely others seem not to care.

I am pleasantly surprised how I make the transition from an average of 25 to 35 kph, albeit on flat roads. My fellow competitors, sorry, companions, snigger at my " football shoes" as I tuck in closely behind the cyclist in front of me, in a vain attempt to mimic the changing of gears. This, however, has the added benefit of falling into the slip stream, which really does pull me along. As I progress, I learn even more and search for the biggest and widest rider to afford the best protection.

Lunch

Lunch is taken at a beach side restaurant where we are served the most delicious shrimp, straight from the sea, cooked I hasten to add, followed by either chicken or, yes, you guessed it, shrimp fried rice. How is it that food and drink abroad never tastes quite the same when you try the same items at home, and our local take-away at home will learn a great deal from these Thai restaurateurs, though I guess the shrimp from the sea rather than from the "Cut" in Stourbridge will assist.

The afternoon session, as ever after such lunches, is limited to 25-30 kilometres and we arrive at our Hotel in Hadthong at 3 pm, once again, meticulously planned, to allow those of us who must to shower, lie by the pool for a couple of hours,with a couple of beers and light snooze, frantically trying to merge the brown coloured arms with the white coloured torso of the experienced cyclist.

Don't you just love the names of these places. I went to great lengths to explain that I do not, in fact, have such items of apparel, but, judging from my sweaty cycling attire, I did wonder whether our next stop may be at Bad Pong.

Hadthong. Or is it Gibraltar? I knew we should have
taken a right turn at the last junction!

We were all flattered to arrive at our hotel, me in second place now, inwardly excited, but nobody seemed to notice nor care, to be greeted with a huge sign overhanging the entrance to the Hotel reading " Hadthong welcomes Siam Bike Riders"

After a Thai buffet at the hotel comprising 8 or 9 different dishes at the knock- out price of about £4, some of us walked along the front to explore the night Market selling local artefacts, food and the ubiquitous tat. I was very tempted to barter for the purchase of a solid teak dining table and benches to seat 16 people, but when I found that I could not lift one end of the benches off the floor, I gave up on the idea, as I am fully aware of Health and Safety legislation preventing Airline cabin crew from assisting passengers in lifting luggage into the overhead lockers.

So, over 100 kilometres completed today, and feeling ok and determined still!

Sunset in Hadthong

From Bangkok To Phuket Part 3 - And they're Off

2011-02-08T17:55:00.002Z

Yes, the big day arrives, the start of the tour...the epic adventure for which I had been in training for, for..... well, for a while.

The previous evening, we had been introduced to our fellow competitors, sorry, companions. It's not about winning and losing, I keep reminding myself. Martin Brot,a Swiss former professional cyclist, the founder of Siam Bike Tours had been running these trips for several years, normally comprising 6 to 10 people. This was to be the biggest Tour yet with 25 competitors, sorry, cyclists. We came from 8 different countries, mainly from Germany, Holland, Switzerland, Austria and Scandinavia, a husband and wife from Canada (this was to be John's third Bangkok to Phuket trip ) and a paunchy, balding wannabe athlete from Stourbridge...oh, and me too. Nervously, we all exchanged tales of our respective training regimes.10,000 kilometres in a season, seemed to be the norm. I nervously asked if a season spanned six years but was told that it was six months and my 5 miles in nine months looked a little short of the rest, as I skulked into the corner mumbling something about the New York Marathon in 1999.

We were transported by minibus out of the city to the Team H.Q, a trip that lasted one and a half hours.This part of the tour was relatively easy, and I saw no problems in completing the 544 miles if this were to be the mode of transport.

Alf Tupper didn't need fancy footwear to win a race!

We were all given our team jerseys, a yellow and orange combination to resemble the colours of the rising and setting of the sun in Thailand, or, runny fried egg mixed with Ketchup, and introduced to our bikes, our soul mates for the next week or so. Imagine the confidence ebbing away further when I noticed that there were no stabilisers on mine. This was going to take some supreme effort on my part to finish in a placing higher than the New York Marathon...6,641. Come on, keep up! I had set myself a target of finishing in the top 25, a daunting prospect. Worse was to follow.As we all changed into our "specialist" cycling gear, mine from Decathlon, special offer, the rest of the Team in specially branded or sponsored shorts and shirts, I realised that I was the only one wearing normal cycling shoes, trainers, when everyone else had cleats and pedals made to measure. I felt like the Alf Tupper of the cycling world.

To be serious, (do I have to?) the arrangements by Martin and his team were carried out with Swiss like precision. All the bikes were in perfect condition and adjusted to our individual requirements. Martin and a team member would cycle with us and there would be support vehicles for photos, drinks, sadly only non-alcoholic, bananas and running repairs

After the obligatory photo shoot, we were off cycling through the streets of Phetchaburi, a snaking line of yellow and red, waved on by the locals, who have got used to such sights now on a monthly basis. I shall not bore you with the detail as you can see this on the attached link if you are really that interested. However, we did start at midday under a burning sun in temperatures over 30 degrees but I refused to accept that I was more acclimatised to the conditions than the Swiss and Scandinavian members of the race. The first day was intended to break us in gently, and it certainly broke me. We covered the 45 miles in a sedate 3 hours, through pretty unspectacular countryside, stopping for lunch after 2 hours. Now, I was expecting the Thai equivalent of a Mars Bar or some fruit, so imagine my surprise when we were served with sticky rice, chicken and pork,hand turned on a spit over blazing embers and mixed vegetables.....all to be eaten WITHOUT cutlery, using only our sweaty fingers.Apparently this is how the true Thai folk eat.

We arrived at our first stop, Hua Hin at about 3 pm, a quick shower, and a long relaxing snooze by the pool accompanied by a large Singha beer, as we are encouraged to take in plenty of liquids to replace all those lost. The apprehension was beginning to subside. I could do this, I said to myself Later that evening, I decided to stretch my legs and walk into Hua Hin, and then to the beach, in search of that elusive seafood restaurant (Editors Note: I thought this Blog was supposed to be about law related matters, or at least your cycling experience in Thailand, not a rival to The Good Food Guide) be quiet, Ed and read on. Now, fellow gourmand, I have this habit on holidays of always searching for a better restaurant, having read menus of numerous establishments on my 5 mile trek, always believing that the is a better offering around the corner. Well this time, at long last, I won the lottery and stumbled upon, but only because I had been walking so long, a little Thais sea food restaurant on a jetty overlooking the bay. The service on offer was first class, and they even provided anti mosquito candles and spray for the guests. Anyway, four White snapper fish cakes followed by chicken (ok it looked like fish) red Thai curry, extra hot, a plate of fruit, two large beers, a coffee and a brandy, at less than the equivalent of £9. Excellent quality too. I felt so overwhelmed, I left a large tip, demanded a photo with Phonsi, the proprietress, and got a peck on the cheek to go.

Tan Lines even Lance Armstrong would be proud of!

Now today I saw the beginning of the real Thailand and looked forward to the remaind of the race, tour, ok, holiday then with great relish and, as you can see, I now qualify as a real cyclist!

From Bangkok To Phuket Part 2 - Arrested in Bangkok!

2011-02-07T14:21:00.001Z

Sawadee knuckleheads (Thai for Hello my good friends. Amazing how words have completely different meanings in different languages. I can now add Thai to my multi- lingual list to include French , English, Black Country and foul and abusive).

Rather than bore you with a minute by minute account of my training regime prior to my epic adventure, I thought I would bore you more with my experiences during these last two days.

Bangkok......eclectic, exciting, exhilarating , dirty, smelly, cosmopolitan, contrasting, bawdy, ugly, fascinating......I love it!

Transportation

"SHOTGUN!"

Wow, how varied. From the bright pink taxis that transported me from the airport to the hotel, a journey that took 35 minutes and only cost £8, to the taxi mopeds and the renowned tuk tuks. Now I know what happened to the milk floats back home when home deliveries dried up, but at less than £1 to almost anywhere in the city they represent great value if you don't mind the diesel fumes from passing traffic. They even have a stretch tuk tuk (right) specially laid on for me, but whether this was because of my own perceived opinion of myself or my reputation as a big eater remains a mystery. However, the biggest change in the 23 years since my one and only visit to this wonderful city is the Bangkok Sky Train. Although it towers 50 feet or so above the city, it is hardly a blot on the landscape as it winds itself north and south, east and west through a mixture of high rise hotels, office blocks and shopping malls, interspersed frequently with derelict land, slums and shanty towns. At a cost of less than £4 for two days travel, I was able to get anywhere I liked and enjoy a great view of the city. Clean and well marshalled, it's one draw back is that on popular routes, the proverbial sardine in a can would be positively gloating at the sight of me. Eat your heart out, London Underground!

Food

This was probably the real reason I chose Thailand for my epic journey. It is so cosmopolitan, and as with many other capital cities, you can choose most cuisines from larger and smaller countries within a stone's throw from your hotel lobby. Talking of which, I was fortunate to stay at the Majestic Grande Hotel in Bangkok a four star hotel at a rate of £65 per night including breakfast. Well, I would probably have paid that sum JUST for the breakfast. Apart from the standard international hotel breakfast items such as an omelette station, cooked bacon etc, cereals, breads and croissants, they also catered for other nations including Thai, Japanese, Chinese and middle eastern. Conscious of my training regime and the advice given to me by my nutritionist, I stuck with the dragon fruit and banana smoothies followed by a selection of every fruit you could imagine, and more, topped off with cinnamon yoghurt. Impressed! Well, ok, then I went for the eggs, bacon, mushroom etc, but did applaud myself for refusing the Chinese steamed custard bun, conscious that my nutritionist was both thousands of miles away and fictitious.

Too many cooks in this instance certianly doesnt
spoil the broth!

I had vowed to eat as much fish as possible on my trip as the quality and variety is exceptional. I found myself, one night, (fortunately, nobody else knew I was lost) at the renowned Seafood Market which boasts that " if it swims, we have it" Well, my first request for Great White Shark in a Balti Pie was rejected on the basis that I did not know the Thai for this, so I settled for half a dozen oysters (£4. .... For all of them, not each one) and a fresh Grouper fish that flapped it's way to the kitchen, aided somewhat by the waitress. I was impressed with the layout as the customer is guided by a hostess and trolley rough the trays of fresh fish, before paying for the selection and being asked how you wanted it cooked. "Properly, please " was my reply. Anyway they took it off to the open kitchens and I was flattered that they had laid on so many chefs just for me. Was it again my own perceived opinion of myself or my foodie reputation going before me. Anyway, the meal was excellent, but I had not realised that I was also required to select my veg and other accompaniments to go with it. Sadly my Thai vocabulary did not extend to "chips". Even then, with two large beers and the cost of cooking, the bill totalled £30. Ripped off in Bangkok again

Thai scratchings taste a bit fishy!?

The alternative to fine dining is to buy from the street vendors, and although this is both cheap and appealing, from the photos (P), unfortunately the camera cannot catch the wonderful smells of cooked food interspersed with the nauseous smells emitting from the foul drains running nearby. Furthermore, I had witnessed the same uncooked chicken, pork, meat and Creamy Donuts lying in the sun for at least 24 hours, if not more. No, I vowed to leave that to the locals and back-packers, even though the prices were unbelievable. After all, I was due to spend 10 days in the saddle, not on a toilet seat.

Shopping in Bangkok

This too is a tale of two extremes with nothing in between. Firstly, there are the ubiquitous street vendors selling everything imaginable and also some things unimaginable. I am constantly assured that the Rolex watches come with a guarantee, even though they are less than £10, (maybe we should get our Dispute Resolution team involved and that the Louis Vuiton hand bags are only this price because they have to move some stock. It reminds me of the time a dear friend brought me a fake Rolex watch from Hong Kong, but I was so impressed with the way that the face, and not the hands, rotated, and anti- clockwise too! Anyway, I decided to treat the Brat (my step-daughter; well she calls me Git) to a tea shirt to go with her collection from around the world. I was impressed to use my bartering skills and negotiate a reduction from 280 to 200 Thai bhats, approximately £5. However, I left somewhat unnerved when I turned to see the vendor chuckling. I think we know who got the better deal.

And then, right alongside, are the most fantastic shopping Malls with all the leading brands, Gucci, Hermes, Boss to name a few, with Department stores containing household national and international concessions, all with sales and items that seem a fraction of the price back home. Now shopping malls normally leave me zombified and I dislike immensely the likes of Merryhill and Bull Ring but I could happily spend a holiday wandering around these malls, but, fortunately, I have my epic journey to complete.

Thai massage

I was determined to have one here, and managed to avoid those on offer selling tat ( did I spell that correctly) or the ones down the back streets offering the extras. So I decided to play safe and engage the services of the hotel spa. I should have known better when I was told that the only appointment available was at 7 pm and then they could only offer a foot massage. Well, as this was the second most bodily part likely to need attention after my epic journey, I plumped for this, particularly as it was only £10 for a full hour. My heart sank when I saw my masseuse. I had hoped for a petite Thai girl with a smile that could, well, whatever, but, no, in true Morgan style, I get the hag (I do hope she is not into blogs) who resembled very closely the lady who had been cleaning my room and her twin sister, who swept the drive and gardens and no doubt serviced the lifts. Her hands felt like it too, and when she rubbed manicly something that resembled a jail breakers file, I really felt like doing a Johnny Wilkinson World Cup -winning drop kick on her petite head. I hobbled away after one hour of purgatory vowing never to go near a Thai masseuse again, and concerned that my epic journey may have become pure fantasy.Ripped off in Bangkok II

Sadly, my resolve only lasted 24 hours as I was determined to experience a real Thai massage. I had seen these advertised at only 500 bahts (£10) for two hours and my poor back, neck and legs, quite apart from anywhere else, would surely benefit me in readiness for my epic journey. So imagine my disdain and disgust when I found myself (lost again!) at Annie's soapy massage parlour, being told that it would cost me either 1750 or 2500 bhats for a two hour massage including EVERYTHING depending on which of the 20 girls I chose from behind this glass cubicle. I didn't hang around long enough to determine what constituted the difference in price. I legged it to my hotel and consoled myself with the jet spray option on my shower.

...and finally, Arrested in Bangkok

But they told me it meant hello...

Yes, it's true but please don't tell the Law Society . There I was walking along the street doing a bit of sightseeing, when I heard this piercing and incessant whistling. This is not uncommon in this city with police controlling traffic and hotel concierges summoning taxis, so I continued my purposeful stride, until I made the fatal error of turning around to see a Thai policeman, yes all 5 feet 4 inches of him, and weighing at least 8 stone, whistling and waving at me like a windmill. He started to run after me, and being the natural athlete that I am, I left him in my wake. However, I am also a dutiful citizen and Officer of the Supreme Court, so I returned to take the medicine. He frog- marched me to his superior, a further 100 yards along the road. The nature of my crime? I had placed a tissue in the public drain and they explained to me that it was a public offence to litter the streets of Bangkok. After they picked me up and stitched my sides, split with laughter, I asked where I was supposed to place such rubbish. In the bins provided, came the reply. Now, call me a cynic if you wish, but I have spent the last 24 hours looking for a litter bin in Bangkok and they simply do not exist. Furthermore, if you witness the state of the streets throughout Bangkok and the detritus flowing down the Chao Phraya River, then either I was very unlucky, or Starsky and Hutch must have thought they had won the lottery. After all, where best to put a tissue but in a drain!

The Superior explained that the maximum fine was 10,000 bhats (£200) Smugly, I asked if he took American Express, but he was brighter than I thought and pointed me in the direction of a Cash Machine only 20 yards away. I continued to barter, and after threatening them with Talbots Criminal Law Department, explaining that they were dealing with THE Martyn Morgan, offering a bribe and finally bursting into tears begging at their size 5 feet, we finally settled on 1,000 bhats, the attached photo and some big smiles. I think they were real policeman! Ripped off in Bangkok III

From Bangkok To Phuket - Part 1

2011-02-04T13:21:00.002Z

George Osborne
Chancellor Of The Exchequer

Yes, your man in Bangkok is off to Thailand, to research the opening of a new branch office as Talbots goes international. Well that's the spin I am putting on it so that the cost is tax deductible. Only joking Mr Osborne in fact, it would be a blessing to be allowed to earn enough money to actually PAY tax! Tissues for the audience,please.

So what am I actually doing. Well, ever since I did the New York marathon in 1999 (have I mentioned that before, when I would have come first in my first ever marathon had the other 6491 runners before me not pipped me at the post. I still feel that they all jumped the gun and has an hour's start on me) followed in 2004 with the London marathon and then the cycle ride from London to Stourbridge in under 11 hours in 2009 for the local and fantastic Chris Westwood Charity for Children with Physical Disabilities which, may I add, I won, as I was the only person taking part........now, where was I, oh yes. Ever since then, I have relished a fresh challenge and have been interested in doing this cycle ride arranged by Siam Bike Tours

"Has anyone seen my bike?"

Now for me, the ingredients of a good holiday are adventure, exercise, sunshine,good food and good company, and it seems that this tour has everything, though I shall reserve judgement on the company until I meet them later. The "tour" as we professionals refer to it involves a couple of nights " acclimatising" in Bangkok, a 10 day cycle ride covering 544 miles of unspoilt Thai countryside ending in Phuket with two days relaxation on the beach. Sounds great except for the cycling and the possibility of a certain part of my body resembling that of a baboon.

I did try to persuade the Blond to come with me, but as she has just returned from a week's skiing and has her hands full with other more pressing matters, off I was packed with rather too much enthusiasm on her part. Incidentally, my daughter, Charli, has questioned whether I have stolen f Reference to " The Blond " from A A Gill's restaurant critique articles in the Sunday Times. Well let me tell you that my Blond is older than his Blond and therefore I claim prescriptive rights to the name, or at the very least, adverse possession. Crumbs, I think I have just dug a second hole for myself !

Beginning my Journey from London to Stourbridge.
These gates were ideal to chain my bike to.
Spec Savers spring to mind!

As for training for this epic adventure, I have to admit I have probably failed miserably. Since the 2009 ride, I have done a trip to Monmouth in 2010 (65 miles, but uphill) and a cycle to my mother's ( 5 miles ) a month ago before suffering utter deflation, a puncture. Now, punctures and me do not work, ever since I was a kid and tried to mend them with Sellotape or Elastoplast. So I leave with some trepidation and apprehension wondering how much of my epic journey will be spent in the back of the Team back-up vehicle.

My journey to Heathrow was uneventful apart from a quick panic attack. You must have had the same, when going on holiday, wondering what you may have forgotten. The passport, tick, the flight tickets, tick, clean underwear, tick. MY BIKE!!!! Phew, I recalled that the tour company provided this

You probably wonder why I am babbling on about detail and what all this has to do with the law. Me too, but it beats sending post cards.

Oysters and Champagne -
The Athletes Choice!

After breakfast at Heathrow a pre-flight ritual for me as we top athletes have to look after our bodies and cannot possibly go anywhere near a greasy breakfast, as, no doubt ere will be plenty of those opportunities shortly, Thai Airways took considerable care of me on the 12 hour flight. They must have known who I was in advance, as I was fortunate to have three seats and window all to myself. Shortly after take off, and those oysters, we were treated to tuna salad, Thai curry and dessert and I felt obliged to accept their generous servings of alcohol. One film and two hours sleep later, we were woken with smoked salmon sandwiches, and one more film and three hours later, we were greeted with BREAKFAST at 10 pm body clock time comprising fresh fruit, omelette,bacon,yoghurt and croissants. I make a mental note to change the order for my rental bike from large to juggernaut size, and arrive at Bangkok at midnight body clock time but 7 am local time, bloated, excited, but confused not knowing which meal comes next.

No more rambling for today. I have to go for lunch/dinner/ breakfast or whatever but be sure to tune in for the next episode of the Exciting Adventures of Martyn.

A New Year and a Journey Abroad...

2011-02-01T17:49:00.001Z

Well, January is now over. Christmas is long forgotten, except for my I-PAD. January is invariably a quiet and difficult month, but , here at Talbots we seem to have hit the ground running. Sadly this time of the year brings an influx of matrimonial disputes, as families are not used to spending two weeks together over Christmas other than in the fantasy world of holidays abroad. The cold snap and flu epidemics seem to abound and take their toll on the elderly. So our Family and Trust and Estate Departments have been particularly busy

With all the doom and gloom that surrounds us with the economy and the housing market, we were pleasantly surprised to have opened almost 200 new matters in the Residential Conveyancing department in January. Is that a sign that the public remains oblivious to the scaremongering or that Talbots are gaining an even greater share of the market. Both, I hope.

We concluded our business planning for the year, very difficult when we simply do not know what is round the corner with the economy and the Government's stance on legal aid, and decided to carry on doing what we know best , but to do it even better. Principally we are concentrating on

Our People

Our Clients

Our Performance

We need to get the best out of our staff to reward them for their loyalty and commitment, even if it means everyone of them giving an extra 10%. Equally, we intend to raise the bar with regards to the service we deliver to our clients so that we are known for our level of client care to distinguish us from our competitors, in the same way as Waitrose and Lidl, Virgin and Ryanair, Mercedes and Skoda. If we achieve this then our performance will improve substantially against several key targets………and, hopefully, everyone will be a winner

Viv Williams - 360 Legal

We held our AGM at the Copthorne Merry Hill, attracting 90% attendance from our staff, when we downloaded our plans for this year, reviewed last year's performance and received a keynote speech expertly delivered by Viv Williams of 360 Legal who outlined the threats facing the profession, the carnage that exists with many firms visited by him, and, thankfully, reminding the staff that they should be proud to be part of Talbots, as, in his opinion, we are in the top 25% of the Practices in England and Wales facing head on to the challenge. Thanks Viv

We also recognized 8 of our staff who had given invaluable service to the Group and promoted them to Associates as part of their career development

So, yes, we are all fired up here at Talbots and raring to go. Now this is all serious stuff, so I shall sign off now before your head hits the keyboard in boredom (no such threat if you were lucky enough to have an I-PAD!!)

I am off tomorrow to Bangkok to start a 9 day tour cycling to Phuket with SIAM BIKE TOURS. As I have only managed 5 miles on my bike in the last 12 months, this too should present a challenge, and I fear that a certain part of my anatomy may resemble that of a baboon's, but, hey-ho, it should be a laugh

If you have nothing else to do, feel free to check in and follow this epic adventure, (but not during work-time please) and while you are visiting the Blog, feel free to explore the rest of our web-site and, preferably, buy some of our services. We're a friendly bunch and have targets to meet.

.......

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

What A "Smashing" Christmas!

2011-01-12T17:36:00.000Z

Parellel parking to the extreme.

Well here we are at the start of 2011, and let's hope it's better than 2010 and the previous two years. Here at Talbots, we tend not to look back, but I hope you will indulge me on a personal level. I had the most wonderful Christmas ever, getting the whole family together in a rented cottage on Dartmoor surrounded by snow-clad hills and forests. However, as you can see, we suffered a bit of dented pride, as well as a dented rear side panel on the old Lexus when the Blond was trying to manoeuvre it down a steep lane and successfully wedged it between the banks on both sides, thereby blocking access for the locals. Two intuitive teenage girls, finding access blocked when they wished to get to their horses in a field on the other side, politely asked if they could climb THROUGH the rear seats, which they duly did. An hour later, the rescue vehicle arrived to tow the Lexus to safety, only to find itself sliding down the same incline, and giving the Lexus an early Christmas present in the side rear panel. This also restored the Blond's pride and credibility as a lady driver.

On to Christmas day, which, as parents, is all about giving and not receiving, but you can see the delight when I opened my present to reveal an I PAD. Now, I am known as not being too IT savvy, but I certainly intend to learn more once I have worked out how to extract the IPAD from its box!

SURPRISE!!

Apparently, the kids have also set me up on Facebook. If only I could remember the Password! Seriously, I do find it a great way of following my children's lives from afar, but selfishly, it can be so intrusive in one's own life. I am told that there are all sorts of ways of setting levels of privacy etc, but come on, I am still trying to memorise the Password. I have never had so many people who want to be my Friend, and know very few of them, though I do confess to being a little nosy and spying on them through Facebook.

My other present was a pair of socks from the children with " Grumpy Old Git " emblazoned on them. I did reprimand the children over this gift, moaning that I am not at all grumpy !

OK; enough about me. Watch this space for exciting developments in the life of Talbots.

So i said to the doctor. "People keep taking the Mickey out of me because i keep thinking i'm a cricket ball. "The Doctor said "Howzat?" I said, "dont you start".

Lasan's Restaurant, Birmingham. You could say its my favourite...

2010-12-22T11:51:00.000Z

Last Sunday was probably our 40th visit to Lasan's restaurant in Birmingham in the last 4 years. Yes, we love the place and have never been disappointed. To describe Lasan's as an Indian Restaurant does it a dis-service. OK, the menu does derive from the Indian sub-continent, but the fusion of its ingredients and spices sets it apart from all other competitors. To compare this restaurant with a Balti House is like comparing The Fat Duck with MacDonalds! Having achieved its own fame locally with its quality of food, earlier this year Lasan's achieved national notoriety when it received Gordon Ramsays F Word award for Best Local Restaurant, which may be wonderful news for the restaurant, but, perversely, meant that its regulars struggled to make a reservation for weeks on end, despite Jabber Khan's admirable attempt to reward its loyal customers with a V.I.P. card allowing priority bookings.

Saeed, Jabbar Khan, and Aktar Islam

For me, the qualities of a very good restaurant are defined by three components. Food, naturally, service, and ambience, and a failing in any one of these could conceivably spoil the experience. Lasan's scores a remarkable ten out of ten for each category in my book.

Back to the meal. We arrived at 6 pm on a Sunday evening after finishing the last of the Christmas shopping. With the snow, the freezing temperatures and the traffic melt-down, we may have expected to find the restaurant closed, but no, remember service! I received a telephone call earlier that day to check my reservation.

Our normal Maître d' Taj was taking a well-earned break and we were greeted at the door by his admirable ally, Saeed. He knew our names and also what we normally ordered. Even Jabbar was there to meet us. We felt like royalty, though I am sure that this was pure co-incidence. We were the only ones there at this time, so, although cosy, I was a little concerned on the ambience front but knew that we would again score highly on the service, with a ratio of one waiter per diner !

My initial concerns were not warranted, as, shortly afterwards, the restaurant began to fill to capacity - no mean thing in such inclement circumstances, and yet another tribute to its growing reputation. The four of us were shown to our " usual " table. Sounds posh doesn't it, but we must have occupied this table (the best in the house for me) on 50% of the occasions we have visited. Michael Winner would be envious !

Kali Mirch Murgh

Having tried almost everything on the menu, and this does change regularly, my dilemma was whether to stick with the tried and trusted or be adventurous and try something that we had not had before. The Hyderbadi Sheekh kebab is the measure by which all other restaurants of this ilk are judged by me . Here, the meat is tender and flavoursome with strong hints of nutmeg and ginger and a mint sauce that leaves one wanting more. This is my regular choice, so I opted for something different and untried as a starter, Adraki Murgh. This was described as spring chicken roasted in a north Indian fennel and ginger marinade, and served with salad and mint chutney. While I could not vouch that the fennel came from north India, I can confirm that the chicken was up to the usual standard of first class, and how I wish I knew where they sourced such tender meat. There was a bit of a kick and after-taste to the sauce which provided just the winter warmer for a cold December night. Some of the guests enjoyed their onion dhal bhajee, but the name itself does not do justice to the quality and presentation of the food, and runs the risk of being dragged down to the reputation of cardboard onion bhajhees served up by other establishments. These were actually spinach and lentil fritters flavoured with roasted cumin and coriander seeds served with tamarind sauce, and I am assured that every individual flavour was apparent.

Lamb Shank

Now you may feel that this menu sounds very samey, but rest assured, the Starters included choices ranging from salmon, sardine fillets, lemon sole, potato cakes, as well as sharing plates and the obligatory vegetarian choices. We were treated to a complimentary bottle of Merlot. I was not sure if this was as a thank you for braving the elements, or as a reward for being a long-standing customer, but I did not propose to question it and the bottle soon emptied, as we eagerly awaited our main courses.

Once again, in the spirit of pushing the boundaries, I selected an item from the menu, one of the very few, that I had not tried before, Baghara Chappa,, oven roasted loin of cod served with lightly spiced gourd and potato simmered in spicy Andhra style yoghurt and tamarind sauce tempered with methi seed, cumin and curry leaves, the menu said. Now I could have chosen from a selection of Sea Bream, King Prawns, Breast of Duck, Goat, Venison as well as variations on beef, lamb and that wonderfully tender chicken. My yardstick for measuring such a dish is the signature dish of Nobu in London, Miso Cod, which truly is historic ( thanks again Mr Winner). As I am trying to be as objective as possible among a tirade of superlatives, it is fair to say that this did not quite reach the highest standards of Akbar's cooking, though I fully accept that it may have been my palate. Back to the chicken next time.

However, to balance the books, my colleagues thoroughly enjoyed their dishes, and the Peshwari Nan is unsurpassable. There is a choice of desserts, which always sound mouth-watering, and include variations of the standards, but far better quality, as well as home made mango and almond crumble and chocolate mousse, but we could not be tempted. We were all comfortably replete and ready for the Christmas binge.

The Splendid Lasan Bar

I am not certain that I have done the Restaurant justice with this review. It is difficult to describe ambience and service and the quality of food sufficient to be as objective as possible, so I implore all of you to get down there as soon as possible, and I assure you, you will not be disappointed…but please leave MY table free.

And so this is Christmas, I hope you have fun..... in honour of the late John Lennon.

2010-12-09T11:26:00.001Z

So, Christmas is on the horizon, the snow remains and we have bitterly cold winds. My beloved Villa are on a losing streak, and even lost to that small club from Small Heath. I have a muscle strain from last night's 5 a side (yes, we lost convincingly, even though I picked the teams!) and I have a sniffly nose. Life is such fun!

Martyn Morgan and a scared Paul Merson

Anyway, on the social side, and I imagine you think a lawyer's life is all social, we are in the middle of a busy run-up to Christmas. Last week saw the Stourbridge Rugby Club Christmas Sporting Lunch hosting 200 guests. The main speaker was Paul Merson, another legend, who insisted on having his photo taken with me (attached). You may question why I have him in a neck-lock; well, actually so do I, so it must have been a wonderful do.

This week saw the Christmas edition of the Talbots Breakfast Club at Hagley Hall, with a maximum attendance of 110 guests entertained by Mark Hannam of Fieldings Auctioneers and also we were able to sample the new ale produced at Christmas by the esteemed Enville Breweries. The site of crowds of people swilling ale at this time of the morning reminded me of the Passenger Lounge at Birmingham Airport for an early morning flight. Vanessa, our photographer, kindly attended to take some shots for our web-site. Somehow, I persuaded some of our ladies to step outside in the freezing cold for their photos to be taken on the balcony of Hagley Hall with the wonderful frost-clad tress in the background. This conveniently brings me back to organ stops and a suitable link to Christmas.

Hagley Hall - Venue Stourbridge Breakfast Club

On the work front, we are still beavering away trying to help those of our clients who wish to move home before Christmas, and even took one instruction in the first week in December with the intent of completing before Christmas. Many people often ask whether it is the solicitor who slows down the Conveyancing process. In defence of most lawyers, this is not so. We have an equal desire not only to satisfy our client's wishes, as we do want them to come back to us time and time again, but equally, the sooner the matter completes, the sooner we get paid. Not rocket-science, is it. Admittedly, we get frustrated with some practitioners, who do not recognize the need for client care and commerciality, but on the whole, I do believe that it is unfair to put the blame at the door of the Conveyancer. There are many reasons why delays occur, primarily, raising finance these days can take anything between 4 and 6 weeks; chains of transactions involve individuals with differing requirements and completion time-scales, and sometimes buyers or sellers withdraw from transactions for personal reasons, and this then has a knock-on effect with all other parties in the chain. So can a transaction be turned round in 24 hours. Yes, in theory, and Talbots has some examples of these in practice, but in reality, finance has to be immediately available, pre contract searches already done and a willing seller and buyer who also have like-minded lawyers. So, if you are hoping to get in by Christmas this year, let us know, please, no later than 24th December!!!!

Now, where are those tissues.....................................

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

A Royal Wedding, Christmas, Snow... oh and Jimmy Greaves!

2010-11-30T17:19:00.002Z

Another Days Holiday!

Forgive me, but I need to get this off my chest and have a little rant, from a beleaguered employer. Now I am not a killjoy, and I do have respect for the royal family, but my heart sank when i learned that we are to have yet another Bank Holiday next year, making 4 days holiday in a space of about 6 weeks. I am all for re-charging batteries, and in a life of business which is pushing 24/7, it is great to be able to take a break in the full knowledge that everyone else is doing likewise, so that we don't wake up each morning to an ever-mounting tome of e-mails. But why oh why didn't Prince William and the powers that be not agree to an October wedding so that we could at least space out the holidays during the Year. (He is forgiven though as he is a Villa fan)

On top of this, we have Christmas coming, when the whole world seems to shut down for two weeks, without regard for the poor employer who still has to produce out of a top hat sufficient income to fund their staff, the office overheads and, not forgetting the lovely HMRC who still demand their VAT, PAYE and NIC at the end of the month. Oh I wish they would close down for two weeks, or maybe longer! With apologies to Mervyn King, the Governor of the Bank of England, who no doubt will spend the whole of the Christmas holidays counting the coffers, but, after all, he is a Villa fan too. We get everywhere, you, know, yes, I accept, sometimes like a bad rash!

And finally, nearly there, stick with it, readers, we have the arrival of 2 millimetres of snow with all the hazards that brings. Employees not being able to get to work, as they cannot get their cars off the drives, even though they live only 50 meters from the office! Requests to leave the office at 9.05 am for fear of being snowed in when the heavy downfall arrives as predicted...next week or the week after! OK, I sense you are getting irritated now, so I must balance the books and say that we at Talbots are very fortunate in this respect and have examples of staff walking 3 miles to work or catching two or three buses to demonstrate their commitment to the cause, when the chips are down. Phew! I think I have dug myself out of that hole!!

Jimmy Greaves, Mary Mocklow, and Martyn Morgan

Anyway, on to brighter and happier matters. Last week, I had dinner with Jimmy Greaves. I hate name droppers, as I explained over tea with the Queen yesterday. So there was me, Jim, and, OK, about 200 others, having a quiet dinner raising money for Inclusion 4U, a self-funded youth club for children with special needs. Jim wanted his picture taken with a legend, so I duly obliged but Mary Mocklow, our Practice Director, had to intervene when we argued who had scored the most goals during their career. I reminded Jim of the time I scored five goals in a game. The opposition centre-half.... she had a nightmare game.

I also visited my old school, King Edward VI College Stourbridge, last week to discuss with representatives of the Students Union ways in which Talbots can work with the college to assist in fund raising ventures and hopefully, my chosen charity, The Chris Westwood Charity for Children with Physical Disabilities. It was nostalgic going back, as ever, and hopefully we can forge links with the College, which will also assist with out "Talbots in the Community Policy"

Last week also saw us short listed for 3 Corporate Social Responsibility Awards by the Worcestershire Ambassadors. There were a wide range of nominations from all different types of businesses and organisations which included 2 other legal practices. We did not win but it was great for Talbots profile. More importantly it was good recognition of all the contributions that many people make across the practice volunteering for many different causes in so many different ways.

Who Ate All The Pies?...

The week ended, following the dinner with Jim, with a couple of Balti pies at the Villa (let's not talk about the result) a trip to the German market and all that goes with that, and a family get together at The Crown at Iverley. As you can see, it proved to be a jolly good week!

"I'm dreaming of a snowless holiday free Christmas...."

A Week In The Life Of A Solicitor

2010-11-19T09:52:00.000Z

Well. What a strange week so far. People often ask exactly what does a solicitor do. Well, here's a snapshot of the highlights of the week in the life of a busy regional solicitor

Saturday

Woke up and was greatly relieved !

Saw the mighty Aston Villa thrash the millionaires of Manchester United 2-2 (it should have been 6-2). Went to Stourbridge Rugby Club for a Race Night in support of Mary Stevens Hospice hosted by The Property Shop and raising almost £1,000 for such a worthwhile cause

Sunday

Woke up again. Things are looking up

Monday

Represented the firm in their annual 5 a side football match against Lex Allan Estate Agents, and walked off with the trophy for the second year running (get the full match report here). Just about got back in time for my bag of chips before the chippie shut

Tuesday

Sunrise Medical Team Present Cheque To Chris Westwood Charity

Attended Sunrise Medical for presentation of cheque with the chairman of the Chris Westwood Charity for children with physical disabilities. The workforce raised over £2,000 for this wonderful charity through various events such as quiz nights, jumble sales and something called the Beast ! The mind boggles (See attached Press Release here)

Wednesday

Now this is the day perhaps when i should not have got up. Arrived at the office in the pouring rain at 6am to catch up with paperwork. Nipped out the back at 6.30 without jacket, wallet, mobile phone and keys to hear the door slam shut behind me ! Fortunately I had my Talbots brolly with me. However, this afforded little protection against the howling wind and driving rain. Having tried every ground floor window to see if by any chance they had not been locked, to no avail, I spent the next half hour window shopping in the warmth of the Stourbridge Rye Market, before an inspiration evolved. I had heard of burglars breaking into homes by sliding a credit card between the door jam and lock, but, alas, my wallet was inside the office, and I did not think it appropriate to stop a passer by at 7 am demanding their credit card. The Managers of the Shopping Centre came to my rescue, gave me a bright yellow fluorescent jacket and a mug of tea to warm me up until the first of our staff arrived at 7.30 am, yes 7.30 am. I was about to launch into a tirade with Lorraine Adams for being late till I realised that she is our specialist in Employment Law. There were plenty of sniggers around the office for the rest of the day

Thursday

Yes, still here, though feeling the start of a cold, or for us blokes, maybe pneumonia setting in. Attended Free Surgery at Wolverhampton University dispensing free legal advice to their employees ( what jolly fellows we solicitors are)

Friday

(Clearly didn't make it, it seems!!!)

See, and Joe public thinks that we lawyers have an easy life !

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat'

Crime and Black Country Olympics

2010-11-11T13:43:00.002Z

Well, I must be learning something. My Social Media Manager, Callum Haynes, who also doubles as our Residential Property Customer Liaison Officer as well as Office Hunk, (check him out..."Call Cal" for a quote) tells me that we have had over 100 visitors to our Blog to date and this conveniently leads me to promote our Criminal Department who not only specialise in all criminal matters, attendances at police stations and representations in Court , but can also boast two members who have achieved Higher Rights of Audience accreditations. Check out the press release! This entitles either member of the A Team to represent clients in the Crown Court ensuring continuity of representation all the way through. Furthermore we have specialists dealing with motoring offences and have teamed up with Barristers Chambers to promote advice on Regulatory work.

What on earth is that, I hear you say; well so did I when it was first explained to me, but, in the spirit of Talbots plain english policy it covers prosecutions for environmental breaches, food and hygiene, something called Corporate Manslaughter (the Banks spring to mind!) and professional misconduct. These are specialities that few law firms can offer.

Anyway, enough of the self-promotion. What is happening at Talbots. Well, we have just promoted a staff get together at the Lamp Tavern, Dudley, a true Black Country Bathams Pub featuring beef and pork baps, savouries and, hopefully, loads of scratchings, which will put all contestants in the right frame for our Black Country Olympics. These exertions will require skills and prowess in the sports of dominoes ( for goodness sake, Cal, do not use that hyperlink to the Pizza chain) pontoon, darts and bingo. Someone even suggested Wi, but I reassured them that there are toilets there anyway, and my mind boggled how we could introduce that as a sport?? See Below...

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

Free Advice, Training, and some light surgery...

2010-11-01T15:45:00.001Z

Well, followers; actually follower, but it would have been a 100% increase if only I could teach my mum how to plug in a computer. She hates mice anyway, so I have no chance of educating her in modern technology.

This week's exciting events at Talbots involved in-house training to 30 lawyers on how to deal with clients attending our, Free Legal Advice Surgeries Free Advice Surgeries inviting the public to attend any of our offices on specific times and dates to seek 15 minutes advice free of charge on any issues. These generally cover matters such as property, wills, disputes,family matters, employment, immigration etc. We used to promote them as Free Surgery until one client turned up with a doctor's note expecting us to perform a minor operation free of charge. Our Professional Indemnity insurers thought that this was unwise, even if carried out by our St John's Ambulance certificated First Aid Officer, so we took the cheaper option and re-advertised them as Free LEGAL Surgery, though that begs the question what type of clients would be attracted to Free ILLEGAL Surgery.

Anyway, the Training went well and all Lawyers went away enthused ( I think) and empowered to assist the general public as part of out Talbots in the community policy.

So, come along and try us out. there is no charge and the atmosphere is relaxed. You never know, if you are lucky, you might even get that ingrowing toe-nail removed as a bonus.

Doctor Mart

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said, "It depends where you're calling from".

Black Country Chamber of Commerce Bank of England dinner.. and added bonuses!

2010-10-27T16:20:00.003+01:00

I was recently invited as guest of Professor Judith Burnett the Dean at the School of Law, Social Sciences and Communications at the University of Wolverhampton to attend the The Black Country Chamber Of Commerce Bank Of England dinner where the keynote speaker was Mervyn King the Governor of the Bank of England.

We all felt duly honoured that he had taken the time to be at the Black Country but, in fact, he was merely returning to his routes, being a Black Country lad born and bred. The highlight of the evening for me was not so much the keynote speech but that his guest was one Charlie Aitkin, Aston Villa's left back through the 60s and 70s and record appearance holder. It transpires that the Governor is also a keen Aston Villa fan and so I felt in good company.

The tone of the keynote speech was very much as expected. We were all looking for that glimmer of hope but we were reminded that the Nice Nineties has long since passed and the economy in both this country and internationally remained in the doldrums. Apparently we need to save more but how do we do that if we are not earning the money. Furthermore there is disagreement amongst Heads of State as to how to resolve this. It occurred to me this is reminiscent of such disagreement between business owners when the chips are down. The message is that we have to work leaner and meaner, work harder and together and we shall come out stronger and more efficient for the future.

It seemed that over 300 guests left the dinner in a sombre but determined mood.

Only two weeks earlier I had attended a conference in London where the keynote speech was given by Lord Digby Jones again a local resident to the Midlands and felt enthused and amused by his speech. Shortly afterwards, after having tea with the Queen, I mentioned how I hate name droppers.

Anyway the powers that be tell me that I have to write these blogs and somehow lead any readers into our website in the hope that we can sell services. I am struggling to think of an appropriate link so just do me a favour and click here to visit our website Talbots Solicitors

...and now for a bit of light relief.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" ... "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." ... "What! Just because he's cross-eyed?" ... "No, because he's really heavy."